ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Investing in beetcoin
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”