Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Worst Native American name ever.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
wut hotdog?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity