‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
😎 🍻
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*