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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Meanwhile in Portland…
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning