Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️