[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
M: alright yea im a lil high
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.
(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.