[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
pls suprot
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
584.
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.