[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
even bears disappoint their mothers
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.