I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Battery falling down a hole
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?