My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
You Might Also Like
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
December birthdays be like…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
One venti cheeseburger please.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.