I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
a badder mouse
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶