my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN