[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Dune (2021)
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper