DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?