relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
groan^2
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Goat cheese is for herders.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.