A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive