people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
2 years later
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.