Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.