Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Any refunds available?…
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Come back with a warrant
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?