So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Well, this explains it:
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Would you wear it?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.