If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet