[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Duolingo getting serious.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*