Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.