*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You Might Also Like
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*