{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.