Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”