RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
i guess his teacher was really pissed
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube