A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
thinking about a very short hotdog
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up