Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.