You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
and this one
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?