You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow