I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
im 7 sauces long
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.