I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti