imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?