Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
buys donuts instead
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.