8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.