[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
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It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My Sentiments Exactly
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.