You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
You Might Also Like
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Fights fire with marshmallows
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream