You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”