Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Guy who likes music
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY