[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.