If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.