A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.