This kid is going places
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
More like Kate Missington.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
That’s enough internet for the day
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…