Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.