My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
had to share :’)
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.