I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
You Might Also Like
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
This week’s mood.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
bro what is going on at twitter
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.