Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.