I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
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“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I鈥檓 about to crack a cold case.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don鈥檛 but I鈥檒l have what he鈥檚 having
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Men鈥檚 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 馃檨
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Cheat on me, you can鈥檛 even have cold water. A legend.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?