I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
You Might Also Like
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Remember folks 😂
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My teenage children choosing violence
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
bias laundering edition
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.