Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Look at this
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family