i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Oh thanks BBC.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.