You Might Also Like
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…